*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
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Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Van Gone
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.