Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of jjhartinger's best tweets

@jjhartinger : Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party Also, I tried Ambien

@jjhartinger: My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, "I'm testing something out." I never knew this kind of fear existed.

@jjhartinger: Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie

Devil: I've got an idea

@jjhartinger: [Commercial for Disneyland]

Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?

@jjhartinger: [First Date]

Him: And, how did you get here?

Me: My parents had sex.

@jjhartinger: hubs: why the makeup?
me: we're cooking dinner together.
him: and...
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.

@jjhartinger: If you're worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we're surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.

@jjhartinger: War & Peace wasn't written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.

@jjhartinger: Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.

@jjhartinger: If I ever die in my sleep it won't be in my bed. It'll be in a meeting.