Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of jjhartinger's best tweets

@jjhartinger : War & Peace wasn't written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.

@jjhartinger: Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.

@jjhartinger: If I ever die in my sleep it won't be in my bed. It'll be in a meeting.

@jjhartinger: Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.

@jjhartinger: [second date]

"April Fools"

*gets up and leaves

@jjhartinger: [Commercial for Legos]

Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?

@jjhartinger: I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.

@jjhartinger: 1995: [goes to store, video is rented] Maybe next time

2017: [netflix takes 5 mins to load] This is a nightmare

@jjhartinger: Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.

@jjhartinger: This new generation doesn't knock they just text to say they're outside, so I text back to say we're inside. Two can play.