Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of jjhartinger's best tweets

@jjhartinger : My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted "Let it Go" and won.

@jjhartinger: [Commercial for X-Games]

Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?

@jjhartinger: I found my husband's shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.

@jjhartinger: Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party

Also, I tried Ambien

@jjhartinger: My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, "I'm testing something out." I never knew this kind of fear existed.

@jjhartinger: Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie

Devil: I've got an idea

@jjhartinger: [Commercial for Disneyland]

Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?

@jjhartinger: [First Date]

Him: And, how did you get here?

Me: My parents had sex.

@jjhartinger: hubs: why the makeup?
me: we're cooking dinner together.
him: and...
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.

@jjhartinger: If you're worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we're surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.