Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
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Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh