I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
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One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again