“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
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The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Facebook marketplace is a different world
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”