Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of joe_binkley's best tweets

@joe_binkley : Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls. Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication. Her: It's an oven not a forklift.

@joe_binkley: What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won't take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?

@joe_binkley: "Opening a llama acting school called 'Save the Drama for your Llama."

"No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?"

@joe_binkley: "I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident."

"Ok, but we already said you got the job."

@joe_binkley: Chopped: College Edition.
"In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes."

@joe_binkley: (Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you've played water polo before?

@joe_binkley: Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts

@joe_binkley: Women's deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.

Men's deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.

@joe_binkley: Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don't even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage

@joe_binkley: Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What's wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.