@joeljeffrey: You know you're old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
@joeljeffrey: They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I've spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
@joeljeffrey: I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it's parked on the side of the road.
@joeljeffrey: If I was a sniper, I'd probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
@joeljeffrey: That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you're left all alone with a chocolate cake.
@joeljeffrey: I'm glad chocolate bars come with resealable packages, so I can eat half now, and the other half 1 minute from now.
@joeljeffrey: My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn't use any protection... I'm worried we might have twins.
@joeljeffrey: My first workout back at the gym was great... I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
@joeljeffrey: [At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly