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ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
January has been Januweary
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
you have three unread messages
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*