I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
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Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
stop
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Happy Febuary everyone!
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.