a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
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Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
podcasts
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic