If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
You Might Also Like
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble