Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
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[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
anyone else like Italian cereal
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.