The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
You Might Also Like
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM