People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
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*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
happy friday
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
I would like even faster food.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.