Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
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I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
It’s an epidemic…
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.