[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
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My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.