If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
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[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch