This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
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*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Meeeee too!
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —