I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
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If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
you stereotypes are all alike
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*