I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
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My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬