If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
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Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…