Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of k_lli's best tweets

@k_lli : My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she's coming down with flu.

@k_lli: I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone's looking for a sugar mama.

@k_lli: If you capitalize 'him' in your tweets I'm gonna automatically assume you're subtweeting god.

@k_lli: It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.

@k_lli: Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing

@k_lli: Social butterfly? Nah.

I'm more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they've seen me, but no one really believes them.

@k_lli: A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he's that excited to get to work.

@k_lli: I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.

@k_lli: My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers' dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.