my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
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If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.