According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
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it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
This is amazing.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”