*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
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Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Yup.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.