Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
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Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.