I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
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ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…