[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
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One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.