*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
You Might Also Like
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”