Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
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Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws