being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
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[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Called it
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
When you “pspspsp” too hard
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you