The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
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HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
mood
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel