I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
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[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
They’re really bad with fonts.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat