Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of kentgrossarth's best tweets

@kentgrossarth : Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They're from my boyfriend. Now I'm going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don't you have a vase?

@kentgrossarth: Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we'll decide if that's positive or negative.

@kentgrossarth: The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?

@kentgrossarth: 'Pizza Hut, can I take your order?'

Me: 'May I speak with the owl, please?'

'Who?'

Me: 'Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.'

@kentgrossarth: Boss: Is that beer? You're not supposed to drink at work!

Me: You're not supposed to cheat on your wife.

Boss: You're doing a great job.

@kentgrossarth: Sign: "No alcohol past this point."

Translation: Bet you can't chug this entire beer, right now.

@kentgrossarth: Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor's house on fire so I wouldn't look stupid.

@kentgrossarth: Her: 'Do I look, like, fat?'
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: 'Like a fat what?'
Brain: Oh dear God

@kentgrossarth: I don't understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That's why I'm here.

@kentgrossarth: My downstairs neighbor thinks I'm a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that's what she wrote in her diary.