@kentgrossarth: Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we'll decide if that's positive or negative.
@kentgrossarth: The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
@kentgrossarth: 'Pizza Hut, can I take your order?'
Me: 'May I speak with the owl, please?'
Me: 'Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.'
@kentgrossarth: Boss: Is that beer? You're not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You're not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You're doing a great job.
@kentgrossarth: Sign: "No alcohol past this point."
Translation: Bet you can't chug this entire beer, right now.
@kentgrossarth: Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor's house on fire so I wouldn't look stupid.
@kentgrossarth: Her: 'Do I look, like, fat?'
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: 'Like a fat what?'
Brain: Oh dear God
@kentgrossarth: I don't understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That's why I'm here.
@kentgrossarth: My downstairs neighbor thinks I'm a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that's what she wrote in her diary.