Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of kimlockhartga's best tweets

@kimlockhartga : We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch: Omelet Easydozen Florentine Pepperbatter

@kimlockhartga: Is it "butt-naked" or "buck-naked?" I want this pool party invite to be perfect.

@kimlockhartga: A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said "How about a thank you?" She leaned toward him, and said "It's printed on your receipt."

@kimlockhartga: At noon, we ride.*

*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.

@kimlockhartga: I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.

@kimlockhartga: Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?

@kimlockhartga: 1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.

2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.

@kimlockhartga: Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It's either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.

@kimlockhartga: Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.