After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
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If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.