met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? ππ
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Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, βThere he is!β anytime someone enters a room.
(My romance novel)
βYou have a pretty face,β he said.
βThank you,β she said, lifting up her bangs. βIβve got even more face under here.β
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: Itβs 6 am.
Nothing says βI donβt take you seriouslyβ like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
I havenβt had a boyfriend in so long Iβm down to my last hoodie
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
“Your lifeguard rΓ©sumΓ© is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
People often act like they donβt hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the βtβ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
βI just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.β
– inventor of velcro
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says βcover me, Iβm going inβ
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Autocorrect changed βflashβ to βflaskβ.
Why yes, Iβll have one flask flood emergency.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.