MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
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There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I鈥檓 very obviously brushing my teeth.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy鈥檚.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Good morning, Twitter 馃槉
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They鈥檙e both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 馃檨
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?鈥擨 mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Labreador
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE鈥橰E GOING FOR A WALK I鈥橫 READY C鈥橫ON LET鈥橲 GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET鈥橲 GO WALK!!!
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”