I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
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Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Buck naked
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out