After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
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I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*