sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
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Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”