Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of krisv_723's best tweets

@krisv_723 : *Lips to mike Mike: Do I know you?

@krisv_723: Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he's gonna have a broken windshield too.

@krisv_723: My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with "Her reign of terror is finally over."

@krisv_723: Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*

@krisv_723: *Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*

@krisv_723: *Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.

@krisv_723: I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it's illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.

@krisv_723: Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.

@krisv_723: Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I'm good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow

@krisv_723: *Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who's there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.