Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of krisv_723's best tweets

@krisv_723 : Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway? Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*

@krisv_723: *Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

@krisv_723: Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.

@krisv_723: Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.

@krisv_723: I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.

@krisv_723: Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.

@krisv_723: I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.

@krisv_723: I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.

@krisv_723: [Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?

@krisv_723: When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That's how I know the meds aren't working.