Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of krisv_723's best tweets

@krisv_723 : *Hears something go bump in the night. Me: *jumping out of bed. Who's there? Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.

@krisv_723: *My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn't sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.

@krisv_723: I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I'm not a monster.

@krisv_723: *Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it's stale.

@krisv_723: <Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That's her. I'd recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.

@krisv_723: Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.

@krisv_723: <At Duel>
"Draw your weapon"
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.

@krisv_723: April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox

@krisv_723: *At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What's the emergency ma'am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.

@krisv_723: Sometimes when I'm driving I'm overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I'm Kris & I'll be your Uber driver.