@krisv_723: *My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn't sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
@krisv_723: I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I'm not a monster.
@krisv_723: *Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it's stale.
Me:*gasping sob* That's her. I'd recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
@krisv_723: Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
@krisv_723: <At Duel>
"Draw your weapon"
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
@krisv_723: *At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What's the emergency ma'am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
@krisv_723: Sometimes when I'm driving I'm overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I'm Kris & I'll be your Uber driver.