Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of krisv_723's best tweets

@krisv_723 : When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That's how I know the meds aren't working.

@krisv_723: *on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.

@krisv_723: Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?

@krisv_723: *Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.

@krisv_723: I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.

@krisv_723: *annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.

@krisv_723: Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.

@krisv_723: Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he's gonna have a broken windshield too.

@krisv_723: My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with "Her reign of terror is finally over."