*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
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Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.