“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
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just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.