Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
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Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*