Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
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Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Husband of the year 😂
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
What flavor cupcake are these
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules