HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
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GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Usage Guidelines
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Oh the world we live in…
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”