Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
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Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken