If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
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People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.