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Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
My what?
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.