I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
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[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.