The game has officially changed 😎
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If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?