When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
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(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.